What makes you trust someone?

[Kaleion]

I'm going to be blunt, I didn't start engaging with people in a meaningful way until I was around 18 years old (give or take) and as a result, I am unable to understand many subtleties of regular human interaction, chief among them trust.

I've taken many approaches to this, I've been untrusting to the point of delusional paranoia that everyone is out to get me and I've also been so stupidly trusting that I ended up a taxi driver's house once and was almost raped by him and right now for the first time in my life I have actual people I would consider my friends but I don't really know how far to extend my trust and to be honest if I could afford it I would just skip town and start over somewhere new again.

But that's not really my problem, maybe it's because I'm earnest to a fault but people seem to really trust me, and it's starting to become a problem, both co-workers, and friends keep relaying all their problems onto me and telling me their dark secrets and asking me for advice, which I don't get because I don't know how to deal with all those problems and half the time I want to tell them to fuck off but it's kinda hard when they've told you that they are depressed and some of them even talked about suicide, I'm not an ass I genuinely do want to help but I can't and I keep getting confused, even hard decisions such as solving problems of interpersonal drama in the D&D group fell into my lap, and granted I kinda sorta managed by complete fluke because, to be honest I don't get what they were fighting over but whatever, I'm just kinda tired an I really don't get it.

I've never trusted anyone fully in my life, I know I've never even discussed my problems with a friend so what trust is and how to earn it is something that perplexes me, I don't think I can get a correct answer but I guess it would be interesting to see what people think.

 

[Vendor-Lazarus]

Sorry to nitpick right out of the gate, but could you clarify "engaging with people in a meaningful way"?

I can actually understand your situation. Back in school, I was always the designated friend for unburdening ones soul to. In my case, they didn't really want actual advice so much as a non-judging ear and some kind platitudes. That said, if you feel that your advice could nudge things in a better direction, you are always free to give it (and they to ignore it).

I'll be frank as well. I DON'T trust people either. Instead of giving trust when needed, I simply accept that things could go wrong. A Devil May Care attitude sort of. I try to do as much as possible by myself, and ask for help in a manner that downplays it's importance and thank them profusely so they won't feel the need to think of them being one up on me. Not that I don't help other people, I do so frequently. I just don't expect any reward in kind.

I'm also earnest for the most kinds and don't offer empty social lies if silence or a subtle/gentle hard truth will do.
I also don't discuss most of my problems with family or friends (If I had any). I'd rather be open about those with strangers on the internet. Like my attempted suicide as a kid.

My advice to you, would be to not see it as mission you should fulfill, or a burden to bear alone. They decide their own lives in the end. You should be most important to you. If you feel the need to disengage, you should do so, albeit gently if you can. Start by saying you have something do so you can't this time, but you'll hear them out next time. Ask if they have talked about this with another concerned or relevant party. Prioritize and evaluate whom you'd most like to keep being involved with and who not. Absolutely don't get in between best friends, family, lovers or parents. If some people come as a group, but you feel uneasy with some, internally debate the issue and either accept them, or leave them. Plenty more fish in the sea.

 

[Kaleion]

Sorry to nitpick right out of the gate, but could you clarify "engaging with people in a meaningful way"?

Well I was antisocial and I also was barely even starting to understand feelings like sympathy and empathy, but basically, before that, I lived with my parents and what I didn't have I would steal but once I developed a bit of empathy it started to feel empathy and had to work interacting with people became more important, so I actually started talking to people, it was difficult and extremely difficult but my hands refused to steal anything because I kinda felt bad about it.

Basically, I was very much amoral and I developed some kind of morality and ethics code and that changed the way I saw the world and engaged with people, I started talking to people and caring about them though I did keep my distance, but I started to genuinely listen to what they had to say and was pretty invested in their well being, when my neighbour died and his wife was having financial difficulties I shoved all my money below her door in an envelope when no one was home so no one would know I did it, I pretty much did a 180° in my attitude though I do continue to be kind of an asshole and extremely rude, my intentions now are genuinely good while before they were not.

My advice to you, would be to not see it as mission you should fulfill, or a burden to bear alone. They decide their own lives in the end. You should be most important to you. If you feel the need to disengage, you should do so, albeit gently if you can. Start by saying you have something do so you can't this time, but you'll hear them out next time. Ask if they have talked about this with another concerned or relevant party. Prioritize and evaluate whom you'd most like to keep being involved with and who not. Absolutely don't get in between best friends, family, lovers or parents. If some people come as a group, but you feel uneasy with some, internally debate the issue and either accept them, or leave them. Plenty more fish in the sea.

They do decide their lives but they are dumb inferior creatures and I do feel pity for them, I feel I should help them but the truth is I do not understand their primitive feelings half of the time, joking aside, I mean I do have a huge ego and I do think most people are inferior to me but I generally do try to help people...

I'm not really sure I can not do it, maybe I should save up and skip town again, sounds like it'll be easier.

 

[Signa]

I'd love to give some advice, but I have the opposite problem where I'm far too trusting. Few people have caused me harm in my life, so I'm left feeling mostly safe around others. Maybe awkward too, but not in danger.

The only thing I can say is your best chance is to find some patterns in behavior that are hints at trustworthiness, and then follow those people that you feel you can trust. Everyone lies at some point, so you will never find a set of friends that will be 100% honest, but as long as they keep the white lies down to making up excuses for why they can't hang out or something, you'll be fine. You dont want to find yourself with drug addicts who steal from you or guilt you into helping them get high. That actually happened to another friend of mine.

 

[Houseman]

For me, trust is about knowing someone's motivations. The more you know what motivates them, the more you can expect them to act in a certain manner. For example, if I meet a fellow JW, then based off of that, I can know what motivates them to take, or not to take, a certain action. I can let them borrow my wallet, and it would be fine, because I know they are motivated not to steal.


Like Signa said with drug users, I'd guess that their motivations are the next hit, and they might just empty my wallet in order to get what they want.

 

[Kaleion]

For me, trust is about knowing someone's motivations. The more you know what motivates them, the more you can expect them to act in a certain manner. For example, if I meet a fellow JW, then based off of that, I can know what motivates them to take, or not to take, a certain action. I can let them borrow my wallet, and it would be fine, because I know they are motivated not to steal.


Like Signa said with drug users, I'd guess that their motivations are the next hit, and they might just empty my wallet in order to get what they want.

I guess that makes sense but I'm not sure if that's trust of just basic behavioural observation used in a manner that can help you manipulate people, plus I find the concept of trusting someone because of their religion to be completely ridiculous, some of the worst people I've met are religious and so are some of the best that I've met even if I can't agree with them, it tells you a bit of their personal philosophy sure but not much and considering the Church generally manipulates people for it's own benefit I can see how that's a lesson that would be passed on, however unintentionally, but I guess that's neither here or there.

As what you propose sounds reasonable, just that in my mind it seems manipulative and disingenuous, but I guess that simply reflects how hard it is for me to trust people, considering I instinctively assume the worst, but you know I've been burnt before both literally and figuratively.


As for drug users, I grew up around them and I'm generally pretty blunt direct and to the point, it is very much common knowledge that I have a disdain for all mind altering substances and I don't make it a secret that I genuinely can't understand why someone would want to use them, it's generally known that if drugs and alcohol are involved I won't get involved with it unless it involves an effort to stop consuming and I've had pretty big fallouts with people that give up, so that's not much of a concern for me.