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There has been an idea that has been floating around in my mind for a while. Specifically, it's a personal challenge I've wanted to take on to prove something to myself. Strap in now, lads, and I will tell you a tale of anger, depression, discovering myself, and, quite literally, bouts of blissful beautiful insanity.
The challenge is to take a solid three days and force myself to sit in a room for all three of them, with getting up only allowed to go to the bathroom, to feed myself, and to go to bed at 9 PM. I would not be allowed any communications with others unless needed. Any conversations I was having before the challenge could still be resumed but even that was restricted to only two to three times a day, and only strictly for that. I could only respond. I couldn't create any topics of conversation. I was also allowed to check my email as well, again, in case of someone needing to communicate with me. And of course, since I can't escape my Sanctuary duties, I would do a quick check up on the site, again, two or three times a day to make sure it hadn't suddenly blown up or anything. My meals would be heavily restricted to bread, butter, salt, and water along with two multi-vitamin gummies per day just to be safe, health wise.
So, all in all, I'd get up at 9/10 am, brush my teeth, take my medications, have my bland meal of bread, butter, water, and salt sprinkled on the bread. And then I'd check my email, Sanctuary, and maybe other sites I still had existing conversations going on with (there was only, like, one existing conversation). This would take all of 15 minutes from getting up all the way to sitting down in my room. And then at 9 pm, I'd get up from the chair, floss, brush my teeth, take my medications again, check the relevant sites online as I do in the morning, (another 15 minutes) and then go to bed. There you go, that's it. That would be the entirety of my three days in a nutshell.
Ok. So what was I allowed to do when I sat down in my room? Was I allowed to use my phone in any way? No. Computer? No. MP3 player? No. TV? No. Console? No. Book? No. Masturbation?? No. Wristwatch??? Nope, except to just check the time. I was allowed ZERO external stimulation. The only thing I was allowed to do was look around at my room and, of course, adjust my sitting position on the chair. That was it. There was nothing. There was no one. Three days of almost absolute fucking nothing. Oh, and to really sweeten this deal, my fat fuck of a neighbor can be a noisy bastard. So I didn't even have the luxury of total silence. If he made noise (and he often did), I would be forced to listen to all of it.
The idea behind the challenge was, did I have the discipline and inner steel to just sit there for three days? Did I have sufficient powers of imagination to pull this off? Read on to find out.
So... Would I recommend anyone else do this? Uh...
To be honest, maybe not. Though some of you here I'm sure are gonna have a laugh at this, I actually consider myself a very grounded person. Perhaps too much so actually. Because of this three-day endurance challenge though, I found myself more... Opened up, for lack of a better word. Less restricted and constrained, though I would also say I'm generally back to my normal self. For better or worse. But that challenge, and that experience of blissfully losing it somewhat left a mark on me. And if that's what that did to me, I really don't know how it's going to hit someone that is not as grounded. For someone with less discipline and foresight, it may cause semi-permanent psychological harm and mental recession. And we're not even talking about someone who might have PTSD from something.
Enter your own mind if you want to, but do it at your own risk. You may find you hate it, or you may find you want to stay forever.
The challenge is to take a solid three days and force myself to sit in a room for all three of them, with getting up only allowed to go to the bathroom, to feed myself, and to go to bed at 9 PM. I would not be allowed any communications with others unless needed. Any conversations I was having before the challenge could still be resumed but even that was restricted to only two to three times a day, and only strictly for that. I could only respond. I couldn't create any topics of conversation. I was also allowed to check my email as well, again, in case of someone needing to communicate with me. And of course, since I can't escape my Sanctuary duties, I would do a quick check up on the site, again, two or three times a day to make sure it hadn't suddenly blown up or anything. My meals would be heavily restricted to bread, butter, salt, and water along with two multi-vitamin gummies per day just to be safe, health wise.
So, all in all, I'd get up at 9/10 am, brush my teeth, take my medications, have my bland meal of bread, butter, water, and salt sprinkled on the bread. And then I'd check my email, Sanctuary, and maybe other sites I still had existing conversations going on with (there was only, like, one existing conversation). This would take all of 15 minutes from getting up all the way to sitting down in my room. And then at 9 pm, I'd get up from the chair, floss, brush my teeth, take my medications again, check the relevant sites online as I do in the morning, (another 15 minutes) and then go to bed. There you go, that's it. That would be the entirety of my three days in a nutshell.
Ok. So what was I allowed to do when I sat down in my room? Was I allowed to use my phone in any way? No. Computer? No. MP3 player? No. TV? No. Console? No. Book? No. Masturbation?? No. Wristwatch??? Nope, except to just check the time. I was allowed ZERO external stimulation. The only thing I was allowed to do was look around at my room and, of course, adjust my sitting position on the chair. That was it. There was nothing. There was no one. Three days of almost absolute fucking nothing. Oh, and to really sweeten this deal, my fat fuck of a neighbor can be a noisy bastard. So I didn't even have the luxury of total silence. If he made noise (and he often did), I would be forced to listen to all of it.
The idea behind the challenge was, did I have the discipline and inner steel to just sit there for three days? Did I have sufficient powers of imagination to pull this off? Read on to find out.
Ok, I have a small confession here. The challenge here also involved a lot of magickal and occult meditation stuff. But I know that you guys aren't here for that, so I will spare you that portion of what happened there and just skip straight to the psychological effects only.
Day 1
Day one started as you would expect. Optimistic, but then slowly becoming miserable. But it wasn't just the fat fuck neighbor and, of course, literally nothing to do (except my meditations). I also felt abandoned before by someone else in my life and was unsure of what to do. The outside noise, the depression, my cratering self-esteem, and the sheer boredom began to get me. I did have a small revelation though. This was the start of the mental cracks in my mind. But more on that later. I began to think about my childhood. How I used to play pretend all the time. I remembered that I was constantly talked about by adults and told by them that I was always "off in my little world" and I would constantly need to be brought back to attention. Dreaming came so easy to me back then. Passion and creativity flowed like sweet pure wine.
When I went to bed, I was beginning to question myself a little. Who was I really? What was I even doing in my life? Was I ever going to amount to anything? Some mental fuckery ensued where I saw/imagined myself as someone else trapped in an asylum, Terminator 2 style, but instead of laughing at me and questioning my sanity, a psychologist was instead asking me cryptic questions. Like they were trying to convince me of becoming someone I was not...
Day 2
Last night, I had a nightmare that I woke up from. Nothing significant at all. Just a silly phobia of mine. Nevertheless though, I'm sure the isolation and confinement made it more intense than it usually would have been. I got over it in the morning. Day two began with me finally letting go of that person I mentioned that I had felt utterly abandoned me. Finally, I felt like I was released from the asylum and free to become just... Me. BUT THEN some occult stuff started happening. I'm not going to get into that, but that event, and me wondering about it took up most of the day. Toward the end of it though, I wondered if I was being screwed with by a spiritual parasite. This... Didn't help my self-esteem at all.
The food was also already getting tiresome. When I first started the challenge, I thought bread, butter, and some salt wouldn't be so bad to eat for three days straight at all. But... While it wasn't the worst, it quickly became exactly as I had intended it to be. Utterly bland and without much taste stimulation at all. I could smell someone grilling outside too, so you can imagine how that sucked. And of course, my neighbor continued to piss me off. Usually I'd have something to block out the sound or distract myself from him when he started getting noisy, but for the three days, not this time. I had to listen to it all.
Day 3
Today was the last day, but it already felt like it had been four days instead of two. And I was gonna have to pass through what felt like two more to get to the finish. At this point, I don't quite know what else to call it, but my sanity started breaking down. I started having conversations with no one real like I was Captain Jack Sparrow or something. The things in my imagination began to become more intense. More powerful. And most of all, I felt like I was slipping down into my mind. It felt like my own mind was seducing me. And I found I wanted it all. I just... Gave in for a time... I started laughing like a fucking lunatic sometimes to something funny only I could see and experience. I felt myself slip into personalities like a noir detective, a rock band singer, a scientist, a vain noble woman, and a soldier with a dark sense of humor. Because why shouldn't I be them? I wanted to be. Fuck it... I would embrace this internal world inside me.
My favorite songs began to come to me at will, and it would be as if they were playing in real life. But best of all by far, I was fully lost in the melodies. I could be the singer, the drummer, or the guitarist, and I began to hear these songs as if I was listening to them for the first time. I began to fight battles in my mind that weren't real, I began to walk along beautiful tropical beaches that didn't exist, and I attended fancy dinner parties that never were. This went on for some hours, but as it got to only four or so hours to finish, I reluctantly began to return to reality. I couldn't afford to lose it like this as I had responsibilities to others around me. Maybe it wouldn't have been as severe perhaps as I had feared if I had given in completely as I wanted, but I also didn't want to further risk my sanity. So I returned back to Earth. Back to bland bread and butter and my fat fuck neighbor making noise.
As things wound down, I ended things formally with a long internal talk with... Myself really. You see, it is often said and theorized that what makes you, you is not one singular whole. There are actually multiple you's inside. Different personalities. Some are in agreement with each other. Some are in conflict. Some are entirely ambivalent toward each other. The more mentally "well-adjusted" you are, the more and the better they work together as one. Well, coming back to me, these past three days had basically forced me into close proximity with myself. All the good, all the bad, all the old and new came together. And when it was over, we came together and were fully reconciled before I said goodbye to them all. Well... "Goodbye," but it, of course, wasn't technically goodbye as they were all of me, but no, I could not allow myself to be lost to the internal personalities within me utterly superpowered by my own intellect and imagination.
And with that... I returned to reality. And the last few hours were, of course, grinding as I endured them without escape, fully grounded now in real life. But finally, it was over, and I was free from my self-imposed prison sentence.
Day 1
Day one started as you would expect. Optimistic, but then slowly becoming miserable. But it wasn't just the fat fuck neighbor and, of course, literally nothing to do (except my meditations). I also felt abandoned before by someone else in my life and was unsure of what to do. The outside noise, the depression, my cratering self-esteem, and the sheer boredom began to get me. I did have a small revelation though. This was the start of the mental cracks in my mind. But more on that later. I began to think about my childhood. How I used to play pretend all the time. I remembered that I was constantly talked about by adults and told by them that I was always "off in my little world" and I would constantly need to be brought back to attention. Dreaming came so easy to me back then. Passion and creativity flowed like sweet pure wine.
When I went to bed, I was beginning to question myself a little. Who was I really? What was I even doing in my life? Was I ever going to amount to anything? Some mental fuckery ensued where I saw/imagined myself as someone else trapped in an asylum, Terminator 2 style, but instead of laughing at me and questioning my sanity, a psychologist was instead asking me cryptic questions. Like they were trying to convince me of becoming someone I was not...
Day 2
Last night, I had a nightmare that I woke up from. Nothing significant at all. Just a silly phobia of mine. Nevertheless though, I'm sure the isolation and confinement made it more intense than it usually would have been. I got over it in the morning. Day two began with me finally letting go of that person I mentioned that I had felt utterly abandoned me. Finally, I felt like I was released from the asylum and free to become just... Me. BUT THEN some occult stuff started happening. I'm not going to get into that, but that event, and me wondering about it took up most of the day. Toward the end of it though, I wondered if I was being screwed with by a spiritual parasite. This... Didn't help my self-esteem at all.
The food was also already getting tiresome. When I first started the challenge, I thought bread, butter, and some salt wouldn't be so bad to eat for three days straight at all. But... While it wasn't the worst, it quickly became exactly as I had intended it to be. Utterly bland and without much taste stimulation at all. I could smell someone grilling outside too, so you can imagine how that sucked. And of course, my neighbor continued to piss me off. Usually I'd have something to block out the sound or distract myself from him when he started getting noisy, but for the three days, not this time. I had to listen to it all.
Day 3
Today was the last day, but it already felt like it had been four days instead of two. And I was gonna have to pass through what felt like two more to get to the finish. At this point, I don't quite know what else to call it, but my sanity started breaking down. I started having conversations with no one real like I was Captain Jack Sparrow or something. The things in my imagination began to become more intense. More powerful. And most of all, I felt like I was slipping down into my mind. It felt like my own mind was seducing me. And I found I wanted it all. I just... Gave in for a time... I started laughing like a fucking lunatic sometimes to something funny only I could see and experience. I felt myself slip into personalities like a noir detective, a rock band singer, a scientist, a vain noble woman, and a soldier with a dark sense of humor. Because why shouldn't I be them? I wanted to be. Fuck it... I would embrace this internal world inside me.
My favorite songs began to come to me at will, and it would be as if they were playing in real life. But best of all by far, I was fully lost in the melodies. I could be the singer, the drummer, or the guitarist, and I began to hear these songs as if I was listening to them for the first time. I began to fight battles in my mind that weren't real, I began to walk along beautiful tropical beaches that didn't exist, and I attended fancy dinner parties that never were. This went on for some hours, but as it got to only four or so hours to finish, I reluctantly began to return to reality. I couldn't afford to lose it like this as I had responsibilities to others around me. Maybe it wouldn't have been as severe perhaps as I had feared if I had given in completely as I wanted, but I also didn't want to further risk my sanity. So I returned back to Earth. Back to bland bread and butter and my fat fuck neighbor making noise.
As things wound down, I ended things formally with a long internal talk with... Myself really. You see, it is often said and theorized that what makes you, you is not one singular whole. There are actually multiple you's inside. Different personalities. Some are in agreement with each other. Some are in conflict. Some are entirely ambivalent toward each other. The more mentally "well-adjusted" you are, the more and the better they work together as one. Well, coming back to me, these past three days had basically forced me into close proximity with myself. All the good, all the bad, all the old and new came together. And when it was over, we came together and were fully reconciled before I said goodbye to them all. Well... "Goodbye," but it, of course, wasn't technically goodbye as they were all of me, but no, I could not allow myself to be lost to the internal personalities within me utterly superpowered by my own intellect and imagination.
And with that... I returned to reality. And the last few hours were, of course, grinding as I endured them without escape, fully grounded now in real life. But finally, it was over, and I was free from my self-imposed prison sentence.
So... Would I recommend anyone else do this? Uh...
To be honest, maybe not. Though some of you here I'm sure are gonna have a laugh at this, I actually consider myself a very grounded person. Perhaps too much so actually. Because of this three-day endurance challenge though, I found myself more... Opened up, for lack of a better word. Less restricted and constrained, though I would also say I'm generally back to my normal self. For better or worse. But that challenge, and that experience of blissfully losing it somewhat left a mark on me. And if that's what that did to me, I really don't know how it's going to hit someone that is not as grounded. For someone with less discipline and foresight, it may cause semi-permanent psychological harm and mental recession. And we're not even talking about someone who might have PTSD from something.
Enter your own mind if you want to, but do it at your own risk. You may find you hate it, or you may find you want to stay forever.
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