Love or lust moral dilemma

[Kdiszle]

I love my partner and they have no faults until we are on the topic of sex.
They are unable to fulfill my sexual desires simply because they do not care.

Morally I know finding someone who can is wrong but I feel no shame or guilt about the idea.
Selfishly I want to feel fulfilled and obtain my own sexual satisfaction but doing that is crossing lines.

I feel no remorse about contemplating the idea of finding someone who can do what my partner won’t even if it’s just once.

If I was unable to fulfill my partner I would be fine with them seeking someone who could but I know not everyone thinks the way I do.

Am I wrong for feeling no guilt and contemplating the idea?

 

[Houseman]

Since they "don't care", you can just ask whether they would be okay with you being in that sort of "open relationship" where you can find someone else to do what they won't.

Or you can ask them why they "don't care" to fulfill your sexual desires.

 

[Kdiszle]

Since they "don't care", you can just ask whether they would be okay with you being in that sort of "open relationship" where you can find someone else to do what they won't.

Or you can ask them why they "don't care" to fulfill your sexual desires.

This is where morals come into play, I know what I want and I know someone willing to give me it, my partner refuses an open relationship but is fine with watching ? Like cuck vibes, I feel like they don’t care because I’m fulfilling their needs and desires so they see no need for change or improvement. I think that point is how I’m feeling no negative emotions or thoughts about actually seeking the other person out once. But morally I know it’s wrong and hence the mental gymnastics

 

[Arnox]

Don't overcomplicate things. If your partner really is absolutely fine with you banging somebody else, then go do it then. Communication in any relationship is essential. Knowing and talking about each other's expectations for the relationship specifically is important.

If you do go out and have sex with somebody else though, be very prepared to catch feelings if you are that kind of empathic person. And even if you're not, you may still catch feelings anyway. Talking about this possibility with your partner is also important.

 

[Houseman]

This is where morals come into play, I know what I want and I know someone willing to give me it, my partner refuses an open relationship but is fine with watching ? Like cuck vibes, I feel like they don’t care because I’m fulfilling their needs and desires so they see no need for change or improvement. I think that point is how I’m feeling no negative emotions or thoughts about actually seeking the other person out once. But morally I know it’s wrong and hence the mental gymnastics

Well, great! You have a solution! Just have them sit in the cuck chair while you get satisfied by someone else.

The only remaining dilemma is if you're okay with that or not.
Do you think that adding a temporary third to your relationship is morally wrong, even though you have permission? Then don't do it.
Do you think that being unfulfilled is worth ending the relationship over? Then break up.
Otherwise, stay together.

 

[Arnox]

Well, great! You have a solution! Just have them sit in the cuck chair while you get satisfied by someone else.

The only remaining dilemma is if you're okay with that or not.
Do you think that adding a temporary third to your relationship is morally wrong, even though you have permission? Then don't do it.
Do you think that being unfulfilled is worth ending the relationship over? Then break up.
Otherwise, stay together.

Also this.

I must ask though, Houseman, good Christian person like you, why are you suggesting sex out of wedlock and cuckoldery?

 

[Houseman]

Also this.

I must ask though, Houseman, good Christian person like you, why are you suggesting sex out of wedlock and cuckoldery?

I'm just assuming their premises without judging.

If you had a Mormon dilemma, I'd do the same.

 

[Arnox]

I'm just assuming their premises without judging.

If you had a Mormon dilemma, I'd do the same.

But you can still recommend faithfulness in marriage without judging, right?

 

[Kdiszle]

Well, great! You have a solution! Just have them sit in the cuck chair while you get satisfied by someone else.

The only remaining dilemma is if you're okay with that or not.
Do you think that adding a temporary third to your relationship is morally wrong, even though you have permission? Then don't do it.
Do you think that being unfulfilled is worth ending the relationship over? Then break up.
Otherwise, stay together.

I miscommunicated,

They are fine with a three way and watching at the beginning, that I am not okay with, I love them and do not want to end things at all.

They won’t change anything because I satisfy them so they don’t see a problem with our sex life. I have the option to go have sex I want and will enjoy with someone else but my partner wouldn’t know about it. ( I wouldn’t ever do that ) thinking about cheating on my partner for my own needs doesn’t make me feel bad in the slightest I know it’s wrong and that might end us but the temptation to finally have what I want is so outweighing all the potential negatives. If they won’t give me what I need then I will get it elsewhere is one thought but once again morally wrong

I know what I want but I also see the catastrophe consequences for my actions but if my partner doesn’t care why should I? And once again I see how my mentality is wrong and will hurt people

 

[Houseman]

But you can still recommend faithfulness in marriage without judging, right?

Yes

I miscommunicated,

They are fine with a three way and watching at the beginning, that I am not okay with, I love them and do not want to end things at all.

They won’t change anything because I satisfy them so they don’t see a problem with our sex life. I have the option to go have sex I want and will enjoy with someone else but my partner wouldn’t know about it. ( I wouldn’t ever do that ) thinking about cheating on my partner for my own needs doesn’t make me feel bad in the slightest I know it’s wrong and that might end us but the temptation to finally have what I want is so outweighing all the potential negatives. If they won’t give me what I need then I will get it elsewhere is one thought but once again morally wrong

I know what I want but I also see the catastrophe consequences for my actions but if my partner doesn’t care why should I? And once again I see how my mentality is wrong and will hurt people

I think the ideal solution here is to get your partner to care about your sexual needs, or at least get to the bottom of it. You say that they don't care because they only care about their own fulfillment. That, to me, sounds selfish and unloving. That's like not caring if your partner has enough to eat. "Oh, you're hungry? Well I'm not. Sucks to be you!" Can you talk to him/her more about it? Can you explain how important it is to you?

I would not want to be with someone who "didn't care" about any need, real or imagined, of mine. But I would also want to talk about it and get to the bottom of it first.

But maybe your partner is actually concealing something, perhaps a feeling of inadequacy.
Assuming you're a female and we're talking about penetrative sex with a penis, perhaps he doesn't feel like he is able to fully satisfy your needs because he doesn't last that long, and he is just not admitting it because it would be embarrassing to him? That's just an example of why your partner would lie and say that they "don't care", I don't know about the specifics of your genitals or how you want them manipulated.

However, if you did have long talks about it, and have gotten to the bottom of it, and you both agree that your partner just does not care about your needs, I would rather just break up and go find someone else, guilt-free. I call this the 2nd best solution.

I don't think you should cheat on him, and you don't think you should cheat on him either, so I think we agree that this would be the worst solution

- Signed, a virgin who has no relationship experience

 

[Kdiszle]

Yes



I think the ideal solution here is to get your partner to care about your sexual needs, or at least get to the bottom of it. You say that they don't care because they only care about their own fulfillment. That, to me, sounds selfish and unloving. That's like not caring if your partner has enough to eat. "Oh, you're hungry? Well I'm not. Sucks to be you!" Can you talk to him/her more about it? Can you explain how important it is to you?

I would not want to be with someone who "didn't care" about any need, real or imagined, of mine. But I would also want to talk about it and get to the bottom of it first.

But maybe your partner is actually concealing something, perhaps a feeling of inadequacy.
Assuming you're a female and we're talking about penetrative sex with a penis, perhaps he doesn't feel like he is able to fully satisfy your needs because he doesn't last that long, and he is just not admitting it because it would be embarrassing to him? That's just an example of why your partner would lie and say that they "don't care", I don't know about the specifics of your genitals or how you want them manipulated.

However, if you did have long talks about it, and have gotten to the bottom of it, and you both agree that your partner just does not care about your needs, I would rather just break up and go find someone else, guilt-free. I call this the 2nd best solution.

I don't think you should cheat on him, and you don't think you should cheat on him either, so I think we agree that this would be the worst solution

- Signed, a virgin who has no relationship experience

I agree with everything you have said, but how do I get someone to care about something that 1; doesn’t really affect them, 2; they don’t see a problem with our current sex life ( don’t get me wrong it’s good ) he has no insecurities about his thing or his appearance I believe it is strictly something he just doesn’t want to do? I’m also not asking for like insane crazy things either. Also thank you MWAH

 

[Houseman]

I agree with everything you have said, but how do I get someone to care about something that 1; doesn’t really affect them, 2; they don’t see a problem with our current sex life ( don’t get me wrong it’s good ) he has no insecurities about his thing or his appearance I believe it is strictly something he just doesn’t want to do? I’m also not asking for like insane crazy things either. Also thank you MWAH

It should affect them. Your happiness, or lack thereof should affect them, at least in a healthy relationship. They should want you to be happy.
If they don't want you to be happy, then why even be in a relationship? What does being in a relationship even mean to him, if not that?
You should talk about that.

 

[Arnox]

I agree with everything you have said, but how do I get someone to care about something that 1; doesn’t really affect them, 2; they don’t see a problem with our current sex life ( don’t get me wrong it’s good ) he has no insecurities about his thing or his appearance I believe it is strictly something he just doesn’t want to do? I’m also not asking for like insane crazy things either. Also thank you MWAH

Sounds like he's lacking in empathy, but take this with a big grain of salt as this is all a complete outsider perspective. We don't really know the full story here.

Assuming he ACTUALLY is lacking in empathy, that's a very bad deficit in personality. And sure, he may be perfectly accommodating otherwise as long as something doesn't ask too much of him, but sooner or later, there WILL be an ugly moment that you really need backup on and he probably won't be there for you.

True love is not how your partner makes you happy. It is wanting to make your partner happy. And with that, it doesn't sound like he's actually committed at all on his side.

By the way, sort of unrelated, but how did you hear about us out of curiosity?

 

[Kdiszle]

Sounds like he's lacking in empathy, but take this with a big grain of salt as this is all a complete outsider perspective. We don't really know the full story here.

Assuming he ACTUALLY is lacking in empathy, that's a very bad deficit in personality. And sure, he may be perfectly accommodating otherwise as long as something doesn't ask too much of him, but sooner or later, there WILL be an ugly moment that you really need backup on and he probably won't be there for you.

True love is not how your partner makes you happy. It is wanting to make your partner happy. And with that, it doesn't sound like he's actually committed at all on his side.

By the way, sort of unrelated, but how did you hear about us out of curiosity?

You have incredibly valid points and I absolutely hate it. But you are correct.

I fell down a rabbit hole ( as you do) on the “ real CIA” guy and I called bs and tried to find literally anything or anyone calling him out and there was a page idk on here also calling bs and then I fell into all the posts on here and loved it

 

[Arnox]

You have incredibly valid points and I absolutely hate it. But you are correct.

I'm always correct. :)

I fell down a rabbit hole ( as you do) on the “ real CIA” guy and I called bs and tried to find literally anything or anyone calling him out and there was a page idk on here also calling bs

lol That thread. Yeah, it seems to get a fuckton of hits for some reason.

and then I fell into all the posts on here and loved it

Awesome. Welcome then! If you ever want me to find something out, just ask. I like to pretend I'm some sort of exotic librarian.

 

[Kdiszle]

I'm always correct. :)



lol That thread. Yeah, it seems to get a fuckton of hits for some reason.



Awesome. Welcome then! If you ever want me to find something out, just ask. I like to pretend I'm some sort of exotic librarian.

I have endless things I want to know so you may regret that offer but thank you ! MWAH

 

[Arnox]

you may regret that offer

By a knight of ghosts and shadows, I summoned am to a tourney
ten leagues beyond the wide world’s end: Methinks it is no journey.

 

[Lost-Zeneration-99]

I think there is to much emphasizes on sex. I mean what is the goal of the relationship? If it is the sex then that would make sense. But if the relationship is built on love and feeling for the other person, then to me sex is just a side thing that should not make or break the bond. If you love the person as the person in a sense of I want to be with them in the sense of a bound, then that should be the main goal. But sense I don't know what the goal is this Just my 2 cents on it. If you ever need music for that time then I be happy to obliged.

 

[Arnox]

if the relationship is built on love and feeling for the other person, then to me sex is just a side thing that should not make or break the bond. If you love the person as the person in a sense of I want to be with them in the sense of a bound, then that should be the main goal.

While sex shouldn't be the only goal of course, I do think it's mistaken to think that a romantic relationship doesn't suffer if there isn't satisfactory sex for both parties. If there's no sex or sexual activities whatsoever, then what is the point of a romantic relationship? At that point, it's a friendship. But don't get me wrong. The love one shares with a friendship is just as valid as the love shared in a romantic relationship, but even so, a romantic relationship also requires more than just friendship. It requires deep intimacy.

 

[Kdiszle]

I think there is to much emphasizes on sex. I mean what is the goal of the relationship? If it is the sex then that would make sense. But if the relationship is built on love and feeling for the other person, then to me sex is just a side thing that should not make or break the bond. If you love the person as the person in a sense of I want to be with them in the sense of a bound, then that should be the main goal. But sense I don't know what the goal is this Just my 2 cents on it. If you ever need music for that time then I be happy to obliged.

The sexual aspect of a relationship is highly important, with the loss of that aspect you are making your partner feel unwanted not desirable unworthy, it may be just sex but there is so many emotional and mental aspects to it. The goal is to marry and die together, but I want to feel desirable and wanted.

 

[LBJ]

When I was a teenager up to about 35 sex was numero uno. Then it became number 2 after friendship. In my 50's it became number 3 after friendship and companionship. Now I'm 74 and the thing is so far down the list that I can't even see it.